Category Archives: Uncategorized

Houston Flood Relief

If you are like me, you want to help with the devastating flooding situation in Texas that is happening right now but you are unsure how. The BEST option is to donate money. But which charity? If you are unsure about some of the newer organizations, stick with the ones you know to be safe and just do it. Here are some links to some secure sites where you can click and donate right NOW.

AMERICAN RED CROSS

THE SALVATION ARMY

YOU CARING

IF YOU SPECIFICALLY WANT TO HELP DISPLACED PETS:

HOUSTON SPCA

Blessings,

Stacey ~iamalive

 

Lisa’s Blog #1

My friend Lisa Millman accepted my invitation to contribute here regularly and I am so excited to share her first post!

Blessings, Stacey ~ iamalive

I listened to a podcast this morning by Matt Chandler. Thank you @karenallison for telling me about him. The podcast was about remembering your true identity and was centered around Philippians 3. I thought about how many years I went around with a fake identity giving into my own self-centeredness where my desires came before God’s and all concerns were on earthly things. Someone looking at my life would have a hard time telling I was saved. Granted I only had a head knowledge of God and not the deep personal relationship I have now. I look around now at the things people glorify and most of the things are things that Jesus Christ died for. Sin. I am even guilty as charged. These verses in the post really jumped out at me when I was listening so I went and read Philippians 3. Look at your life. Seriously look at your life. If you are not focused on heavenly things and seeking God you are headed toward destruction. Hell is a real place. Do you seek to satisfy your desires now doing whatever you want? No boundaries? Do you find glory in your shame? Are you so focused on satisfying your desires and flesh today that you don’t focus on eternal things? When your time is up will God say I never even knew you? These are heavy things to think about. I know so many loved ones that when I look at their life I have no idea if they are truly saved. They say they are but no evidence at all by the way they live. That is a huge burden. I want them to know the love of Christ that I know. It consumes me and healed me from many things that could have taken me down some dark paths. Yet, the grace of God saved this sinner. Thank you, Jesus! I challenge you today to be real about where your identity is.

Lisa

Clean

When I was a teenager my mom used to wake me up every Sunday morning and ask me if I was going to go to church with her. Normally I groaned and moaned and didn’t go. She always said, “Why don’t you just put your hair up in a ponytail and throw on some clothes and go with me?” I did on occasion but mostly I preferred to stay safe under the covers.

This morning I woke up not feeling like going to church. I had been planning to go all last week but today I felt like staying safe. But at 15 minutes before the service started I forced myself out of bed, put my hair in a ponytail, stepped into the ripped jeans that were crumpled on the floor, slipped on my flip flops, and headed out the door. When I arrived the service was just about to begin and I was glad it was dark because I was unshowered and I wasn’t looking or feeling my best. But when the music started I knew in that moment I had made the right decision to not be lazy this morning. There was a communion cup in my seat.

I have been struggling with pretty much everything in life lately and I have had that “Why me?” attitude. Why did all of that stuff happen to me in the past? Why can’t I seem to move forward now? What is going to happen to me? Why am I having so many negative thoughts? Why can’t I make a decision about ANYTHING??? I actually do feel dirty and not just on the outside. 

But being at church this morning put things into perspective and adjusted my attitude. There is nothing like receiving holy communion to get my head back on straight. It is not all about me. And instead of why me? I am now thinking why not me?

Everything is possible from this moment forward. We took communion today to remember that. I am a child of God and he will take care of me and provide for me and there is absolutely no need to look back at the past with remorse or to look to the future with fear. There is no need to feel bad about dumb decisions or mistakes I made or will make.

Yes, I am a sinner but he loves me anyway. It is time to realize I am doing the best I can and to stop beating myself up so much. Because of his blood that was shed, I am forgiven. I am worthy. I am clean.

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive

 

 

 

Jump

I just spent a week alone camping in the Outer Banks in North Carolina. I was there all by myself for five days. Did I mention I was ALONE?

Does it seem odd that a single woman would make a 2,000 mile round trip journey by herself so she could spend time near the ocean? I am sure it does to some. But I am at a point in my life now where I realize if I don’t have someone to share experiences with that I am not going to allow that to stop me from doing the things I want to do. So I packed up my car last Saturday and I headed towards the Atlantic.

I didn’t go stay in some fancy hotel with an ocean view. Sleeping in a tent and being outside under the stars listening to the crashing waves is what my soul needed. You see, I have not been myself this year. I have been extremely distracted, depressed, disoriented, unfocused, unmotivated, and well I have strayed off course. Before I left last week I felt like I couldn’t even breathe. I was exhausted and in a horrible mood. I needed fresh air, new scenery, and a new outlook on things. I needed a soul vacation. I needed my life back.

It is so interesting how God answers prayers. Most of the time I just pray for everything to be okay and for things to work out the way he wants them to. But sometimes I ask him for specific things and I never seem to get a clear answer. Other times I ask for things and like magic, a door opens. This happens to me frequently but I am not always in tune enough to notice. Sometimes when he doesn’t answer…THAT IS MY ANSWER. But this time I noticed an open door.

So I have been grappling with a decision. The door opened while I was at the ocean soothing my soul and I don’t think that is a coincidence. If I explained my situation here, it would probably make absolutely no sense. Because on paper, it really doesn’t. In my head it really doesn’t. It only makes sense when I remember that I have a purpose and a calling and it is NOT to be miserable for the rest of my life. But it isn’t an easy decision. It is not a “hell yes!” decision.  It means I am going to need to let go of some things that I have held onto for security and step out of my comfort zone. It means I am going to have to muster up every ounce of courage I have inside my bones and really go for it this time. Because this is it. Right now is all I have and by living in the now and walking through the next open door means losing something that is comfortable and stable. But in exchange for losing something comfortable and stable I will find me again. And I have missed me.

Change is scary. Making a big decision when you are really afraid can be overwhelming and almost paralyzing. But I do not want to remain in the same place my whole life. I can at the expense of losing myself but that I will not do. So I got quiet. I listened to the ocean. I prayed a lot. I focused on my breathing. And I heard what I needed to hear to give me the push to move forward.

My roommate told me that the difference in my mood when I returned home from how I was before I left was like night and day. That made me happy. Sometimes when I am so wrapped up in my thoughts and feelings I don’t even realize that I am on the way through to the other side.

My life has always been a series of hills and valleys just like everyone else. Things will always happen beyond my control to knock me back down again. But it is my choice to be willing to change my life when things aren’t right. It is my choice to stand back up and keep moving. I am terrified to be honest but I know I am NOT alone. God is always there holding my hand when I decide to close my eyes and jump.

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive

Love, Again

There’s that word again. Love. It has been on my mind lately for more than a couple of reasons. Today, however it is because I saw on FB that my first hub got remarried yesterday. I somehow recently became friends with his fiancé (now wife), so as I was scrolling earlier today I saw all the pictures. My first thought was, wow, the person who told me 10 years ago when we got divorced that he was “never getting married again” took the plunge, again? I was his second failed marriage and he did it again? It didn’t upset me though. A lot of water has gone under the bridge since then, as my dad used to say. Time does heal most wounds. I am actually happy for him and I wish them both the best. And in a weird way it gave me hope that it might happen for me again someday too.

I wouldn’t have said that exactly this time four years ago when I was sitting in Japan in August 2013 crying my eyes out because my second husband had recently ended our marriage. I am sure I uttered the words “I am never getting married again” because I really didn’t see how I could ever FEEL ANYTHING again, let alone love for another man.

Fast forward to last year. My romance with my on again off again ex boyfriend since 2008 was rekindled unexpectedly and I felt like I had made it back to the land of the living. The land of couples and dating and sharing a toothbrush…instead of being hunkered down alone in my woman cave with my cat every night like I’d been for the three previous years. But unfortunately it didn’t work out. I am understanding why people say “they are exes for a reason.” If it didn’t work the first time, trying to make it work again and again is like going to your own garage sale and buying your own junk back. I read that recently and it made me laugh but it is also truthful. I felt like I was ready at the time but I realize one year later that I was just being impatient and jumping into things too fast with someone I already felt comfortable with and cared about. Still forcing it knowing deep down it wasn’t quite right.

I believe God puts certain individuals in our lives for different reasons. Every single experience leads us to something greater. And the lessons we learn along the way help to make us better partners for the one we ultimately end up with. For some people, my roommates for example, this happens early in life. They met in high school, dated through college, moved in, started careers, and a wedding date is set. People like me on the other hand stumble through relationships like we are pulling the lever on a slot machine. Usually the odds aren’t in our favor. Usually it is because we WANT something to work out so bad that we force things that shouldn’t happen in the first place. It’s not NATURAL. It stems from FEAR and INSECURITY. “Let me just spend one more dollar and see what happens!” I gotta hit the jackpot sooner or later. No. Put your money back in your pocket and walk away. Go home to your cat…your heart is no longer worth gambling over.

And back to forcing things…I met three of my long term relationships online. For me, this is not natural. I want to feel chemistry with someone and get to know them over time instead of meet for coffee one night, dinner the next night, and planning our wedding on the third date. (This literally pretty much happened with me). But being an introvert who isn’t comfortable starting up conversations and meeting new people…it seemed to be a good idea at the time. So I traveled the dating site route for a long time. Now I realize that in doing so I was forcing things that God didn’t want for me. I was placing people in my path that I wouldn’t have met in “real life.” Now I am not saying I wasn’t supposed to meet these people. Maybe I was. Did He force my finger to click the wink button on that cute guys profile??? Maybe. But I am not sure I was supposed to marry any them. Don’t get me wrong I don’t regret any of it. I definitely do have a fun story to tell.

And along with those fun stories I have learned A LOT about myself and others. And if you are reading this and you met your significant other online and it has worked out for you…I am happy for you! One of my best friends is getting married next year and they met online and have been together for 6 years or so. It does work! It’s just not for me. My seeking it so desperately is what sabotaged all of those relationships in the first place. Wink. Wink. Wink. Wink. Wink.

So, where am I going with this? I just know LOVE is on my mind again and I am so thankful for it. Not wanting love is an unhealthy place to be emotionally. But not wanting it was also a time for healing. I believe I am over the non-love hurdle. When I was doing all of the internet dating off and on between 2008 and 2012 I didn’t like myself at all. How can you attract the RIGHT partner when you don’t even like yourself? You can’t. You gotta love yourself first.

So cheers to my ex and his new bride. Hopefully third time’s the charm for him. And who knows, a year from now I might be eating my words and putting another dollar in the slot machine trying my luck. I am a human being and I will be learning until the day I die. And maybe when and if it does happen again for me…third time will be the charm for me too. When God intervenes and I don’t force it MY way I will love, again.

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive

 

LoVE

LoVE is…

It is so difficult to describe the meaning of the word love because there are so many different kinds. Here are some of mine…

Unending. The love I have for my mom who died when I was 31 is unending love. I was with her from the beginning of my life in the hospital until the end of her life in the very same hospital. She is gone but she is still with me in my heart and my memories. That love will always be there.

Immeasurable. The love I have for my dad is immeasurable love. I wouldn’t be alive if he hadn’t met my mom back in 1970. He was and is a good man and he has always been there for me. He is a quiet soul and I am exactly like him in many ways. He is disabled now and tells me he wishes he could help me more. He worries that I’m single and struggling on my own. He has already helped me more than he knows.

Grateful. The love I have for my best friends is grateful love. It is a love that I am thankful for beyond words. Some of the people in my life who have stuck by me through all of my craziness are saints. I love them for not giving up on me.

Sweet. The love I had for my first boyfriend is sweet love. He was the first guy that I gave my heart to. We had no idea what we were doing but it is a sweet memory.

Heartbreaking. The love I have for my college sweetheart is heartbreaking love. I loved him like family and he loved me the same, but I destroyed that love. I broke his heart and my heart has been broken over and over again since.

Sad. The love I have for my longest unmarried relationship is sad love. So much potential, and so little drive to become what we could have been.

Happy. The love I have for my first husband is a happy love. He brought out the good parts of me with his adventurous spirit and complimented mine.  

Awakened. The love I have for my second husband is awakened love. He woke me back up from a deep sleep I had fallen into and I didn’t even realize it.

Broken. The love I have for my best male friend/boyfriend is broken love. If you cannot get it together after 10 years of being on again off again, always bringing out the worst in each other…it is time to let go.

Motherly. The love I have for my cat is motherly love. Don’t laugh. Not everyone is meant to have children including me and this furry creature fills a gigantic void in that area. He is my best little pal. He knows when I am upset or sick and holds my hand with his paw. 🙂

Forbidden. The love that I want but cannot have is a forbidden love. But it is a love that reminds me that I can love again and my goodness that gives me so much hope.

Playful. The love that reminds me of how I felt in elementary school when I chased that boy at recess is playful love. He passed me a note that read “Will you go with me?” We held hands at the skating rink and nothing else in the world mattered for the two hours we circled around under the disco ball with 80’s music blaring. I have felt that kind of love again in my adult life a couple of times and it is the best feeling.

Adult. The love I have for my next partner that I haven’t even met yet is adult love. It is the kind of love that you have when you realize you cannot control the other person and they cannot control you. Instead, you support each other’s dreams and goals and allow one another to grow separately while at the same time you grow together in your common interests. You don’t try to make the other person be someone he isn’t. You decrease your expectations and you increase your acceptance and you love this person for who they are right now and not who you want them to be. Period.

Potato. The love my coworker has for harvesting potatoes is potato love. 🙂 Her FB profile makes me smile every time I see it because it is a heart shaped potato she dug out of the earth. Her potato love reminds me to appreciate all of the little things in life.

Indescribable. The love I have for God and the love He has for me is indescribable love. It is the love that is always there while all of these other types of love come and go. It is the love that knows no bounds. It is the love that forgives me on a daily basis because I am a sinner and I don’t deserve this kind of love. Yet it rains down on me and I can never wash it away. It is the love that tells me I am not a failure when I tell myself I am…or when someone who claims to care about me tells me I’m a horrible person and un-Christian. It is the love that tells me everything is going to be okay even when on the inside everything feels like it is falling apart. It is unconditional love. It is like trying to comprehend the universe, or the word forever, or trying to figure out “who am I?” Or the meaning of life. It is indescribable and perfect.

“Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.” This is true…and sometimes that person needs to be you.

Blessings,

Stacey ~ iamalive

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1 Corinthians 13

1If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.