Part of the message at church this morning was about forgiveness.  About how forgiving is the ultimate Christ like act we can do as Christians.  “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13)

If you have read some of my previous entries you know that I have a long way to go…but I am getting there.  I have held a tremendous amount of bitterness inside of me throughout my lifetime due to circumstances that I have been through that may or may not have been within my control.  I have not only dealt with a slew of bad relationships which I explained in my last post, but I have dealt with issues that took away my innocence at a very young age.  I have also been cheated on, lied to, stolen from by people who supposedly loved me.  These are things which I had no control over.  I have been through a lot in my life as have most of you.  But I am very very strong.  I have overcome and I feel like I can handle just about anything that comes my way.  I have let go of so much anger, resentment, hatred, bitterness and I feel my spirit has been lifted as a result.  My faith in GOD is stronger now than ever.  I have started going back to church within the last year after being away for many many years and it is the BEST thing I could have ever done.  It gives me direction and keeps me focused on what is important.  I am learning not to sweat the small stuff as much as I did in the past.  I am learning that by letting go and forgiving those who have wronged me…I am not only forgiving them but I am freeing myself.  It is truly an amazing thing!

My inspiration for the name of my website www.iamalive41.com came from a Mercy Me song called “The Hurt and the Healer”.  The lyric from that song…”I’m alive even though a part of me has died” is what gets me through.  I think through hurt and healing we are changed but we are still alive.  And when we make it through it, we are closer to God than we could have ever imagined.  EVERYONE makes mistakes.  NOBODY is perfect.  As long as we are dealing with other people, we are going to need to learn how to forgive.  I am forgiving myself too for mistakes I have made.  That is where true healing begins.

I have attached a picture from earlier today from my visit with my Dad at the nursing home 🙂 (Again, this picture is upside down when I view on my computer but correct when I view on my phone!  I apologize.)

Have a blessed Sunday!  xo

I have been thinking about so many things lately that I do not even know where to begin writing.  I will just try to summarize as much as possible and hope that it makes some sense.

Some of you are my friends and family in real life and you know a bit of what I have dealt with in the last year or so.  Others are new friends I have connected with through Instagram and Twitter.  For those of you who only know me from my posts and wonder what inspires me to keep spreading the positivity….the answer is because right now it is my purpose.  It helps keep me sane.  And in helping and inspiring others I am helping myself.  I am going to get very personal and very raw.  And if I offend anyone I am sorry but really I am not.  I am just telling MY story.  Here goes…

I have been married twice.  And I have failed twice.  I will be 42 years old on my next birthday in a couple of months.  I find myself starting over yet again.  At some point you have to ask yourself this…when have I learned all of the lessons?  When do I just get to live and be happy?  The answer has been right in front of me all of my life and I finally see it.  People are just going to hurt you, period.  What matters though is how you respond to it.  You can either let it bring you down to their level or you can rise above, let go and be happy that they removed themselves from your life.  Those people never TRULY loved you.  It is sad but it is true and you just have to accept that and keep moving. You just have to learn to be happy with YOU.

My most recent divorce which was final in December…was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to accept. I had failed once again.  But when I think back…I did everything in power to make it work.  But he left me.  At the time I was devastated but now I realize it was a complete blessing.  I gave my heart to someone who basically tore it out of my chest, drove over it and spit on it.  And then he rode off into the sunset with his white guitar (that I bought him) on his back.  I am better off.  That man did not realize that he was married to a person who has a tremendous heart.  I KNOW this.  But he thought he could do better.  Good luck and good riddance.  I am moving on to a new and better chapter called self love.  A love that doesn’t require attention from a man who doesn’t appreciate me in the first place.

I have spent my adult life trying to find love when really all I needed was to love myself.  I have chosen the wrong men repeatedly.  They are like a cookie cutter.  I may as well have been in the exact same relationship 4 times.  The first was a 6 year relationship with a “man” who lived in my home for free and never paid me a penny in rent.  I did his laundry and cooked for him and I paid the bill when we went out to eat.  He lied and cheated on me.  I gave up on that ever working out finally but I let it drag out WAY too long.  I hoped he would change.  He was a taker.

My next relationship was my first marriage.  He came in on a white horse and swept me off my feet and whined and dined me and then I ended up paying his thousands of dollars in credit card debt after we got married while he was unemployed.  He left me three years later after all of his debts were paid off and he just
“wasn’t happy” anymore.  A question I asked was why did you marry me then?  Isn’t it until death do us part???  Apparently not.  He was a taker.

My next relationship lasted three years.  We never even discussed marriage.  This man was embarrassed to be seen with me in public and would not “friend” me on Facebook.  I was his “secret”.  We fought constantly and the ONLY good thing we had was intamacy or should I just say sex because looking back that is ALL it was to him.  I knew that was not right but I thought I could change him and make him love me.  He told me he loved “parts of me”.  I think that was why I was so determined to make that one work…I wanted the full acceptance.  But after the years of verbal and emotional abuse and cheating that sent me to therapy because I thought I was going crazy…I ended that one finally.  It took me a full year to feel normal after that one…what a doozie.  He was a taker.

And just as I was feeling like myself again I met my second husband.  He was sweet.  He was “into me”.  I thought he was different.  But what I realize now is that he was only attracted to me for what I could do for him.  He was quite dependent on his mom financially.  And with me, he didn’t need her help.  I showered him with gifts because I wanted to do it.  And then it became expected. Less than 2 years after I met him I found myself divorced AGAIN.  My 401K was GONE.  All of my parents and grandparents antiques that I had collected over the years were GONE because my ex didn’t like antiques.  So I sold them.  All of my nice clothes were GONE because my ex thought it would be best for me to dress like I was 20 instead of 40.  So I donated them. I helped him in every way I possibly could to support his music dreams.  I accepted his 2 kids as my own.  My life revolved around his dreams and his kids and I gave up everything I enjoyed and put him at the center of my universe.  I traveled 400 miles round trip every weekend with him so we could pick up his kids because he didn’t want his ex wife to be burdened with them every weekend.  (I NEVER had a free weekend).  I traveled with him to his concerts and spent all of my money on gas and felt guilty if I bought myself a sandwich at Chick fil A if I ever had a free moment to myself.  What I got in return was doors shut in my face because he would never open a door for me, ever.  I got an empty bank account.  I got a brand new travel trailer that he wanted that is only in my name that I surely do not need now.  And I got to read that he was sorry that he “married psychos”  in a text he sent to his mother.  Her reply was  LOL.  And exactly one year after we were married he was GONE. (I am still a little bitter if you hadn’t noticed).  This one left a very bad taste in my mouth. He NEVER intended to spend his entire life with me and he escaped before he invested too much time after taking wedding vows before GOD…for better or for worse.  His ex wife who cheated on him multiple times is a Saint to his family but I am the Devil to some of them.  It makes no sense to me.  The only thing that makes sense is that this man NEVER should have married me and I hope he realizes that now and is ashamed.  He was a taker.

I did all of these things for these men to try and please them and in the end I had lost myself.  I could write a book…this is really just the tip of the iceberg.  There are other men in the mix that were not long term…but treated me the same.  Looking back and reflecting has helped me realize I have had a very distinct pattern in the men I have chosen.  They have basically all used me for what they needed until I either had enough or until it didn’t serve their purposes any longer.  Two of them are somewhat independent but two greatly depend on the mothers financially and emotionally.  At 40 years old you wonder why your sons cannot handle their own finances?  When things are handed to them on a silver platter and they do not have to work for it because they are trying to make movies or be rock stars instead of being responsible adults and taking care of their own families in a PROPER way.  You cannot feed a family of 4 working a part time job…traveling constantly…and trying to put out a hit record.  Family is not important to those men.  It appears so on the outside to others but in reality those men are only drawn to people who can take care of them.  And when there is nothing left they flee.  It is sad really.

I will step down from my soap box now.  I am by no means trying to call anyone out.  If anything I am calling myself out for accepting these things and for thinking this was all I ever deserved in relationships.  I missed out on having children because I chose to be with irresponsible men during my child bearing years.  Which is heart breaking because I know I would be a GREAT mom!   My cats fill a void but I know I missed out.  I do not blame anyone but myself. I am far far far far far from perfect myself. Did I mention I wasn’t perfect?  Life is a lesson.  It took me a little longer than some to realize what I was doing wrong but at least I am there now.  I still have half of my life ahead of me and I intend to enjoy it.  If it means being alone for the rest of my life I can accept that.  Maybe that is how it is supposed to be for me.  I have more time now to enjoy the little things and my worries have been swept away.  I see everything differently now.  It is like I have been reborn.  I am TRULY blessed.

If you have read to this point, thank you.  This is not my most well thought out message.  I just started writing and this is where it took me.  God is GREAT.  Life is good.  People are crazy (or psycho in my case. Oh, LOL).  And I am looking forward to the second half of my life…living it with my eyes wide open.

If you get nothing else out of this message…please just remember that YOU are responsible for your own happiness 🙂

xo

I have had many people ask me on Twitter recently “how do you stay so positive?”  My response is this…I am not always positive.  But my faith in God and my will to keep moving forward gets me through.  I post my positive quotes (and sometimes silly ones) not only to help inspire others but to also help myself.  It does work.  It takes work to be “okay” even when everything seems to be wrong.

This week is just one of those weeks and it is only Monday.  My roommate had to have her sweet dog laid to rest this morning, which was totally heartbreaking for her.  I have become very attached to him also over the last 6 months.  He was truly one of the coolest, sweetest dogs I have ever met in my life.  One of those dogs who looks you in the eyes and you can see his soul.  He was not feeling well at all though and he is at peace now.  He will be greatly missed by many, especially his mama.  He was lucky to have her.

I have a family member who is dealing with a very serious medical issue and is having surgery tomorrow.  His infection is spreading and he has to have a finger removed in attempt to stop it.  He has had quite the time with this and I know is probably wondering why this has happened to him.  All we can do is pray in situations like this.

And I myself am dealing with a medical issue at the moment that I do not fully understand yet.  But God does have the answers and I have faith that he is going to get me through to the other side.

I have a heavy heart tonight.  I am still thankful for everything I have and for the people in my life.  I pray that my friends and family and anyone who is reading this overcomes obstacles they might be facing with health issues, relationship issues, money issues, loss of loved ones or pets, unemployment, etc etc etc.  Whatever your struggle is…it might not seem fair but there is a reason.  Keep moving forward…

RIP Chewy ❤

I am more aware of this than ever before right now.  I do not have time to express all of my thoughts.  I just wanted to say that God is definitely working in me and I am overflowing with emotion. I KNOW I am truly blessed.  It is good to be alive!!!  I am really trying not to take the small things for granted anymore.  Everyday we wake up is a blessing. I am purposely trying to slow down and enjoy things I never took time for in the past.  I hope it continues…

Happy 2014!!!

My year has started off rather quietly (I slept all day today!) but I spent New Year’s Eve with my best friend (love you AL!) and I had dinner tonight with a young couple that I love dearly. If you’re reading this Brandy and Julian, thanks for inviting me ❤I have no major resolutions this year. I just plan to continue on the positive path that I started in the summer of 2013. I am unbelievably blessed and I’m looking forward to new opportunities and experiences. I plan to spend as much quality time this upcoming year with the people I care about because that is what’s truly important to me. I am just thankful to know that God has a plan for my life that is so much bigger than I ever imagined. I feel like I am finally LIVING and I’m overjoyed about what lies ahead of me. It’s good to be alive!

#2014

P.S. I have no idea why the one pic is upside down when I view on my computer…but on my phone it appears ok!!!  I apologize!

This year has been a roller coaster ride for me. It began at my now ex-husbands New Year’s Eve concert at a church somewhere in Indiana. His band had played their final set (they had played another show at a different venue earlier in the evening) and we were eating chili in the church kitchen with his bandmates and their girlfriends and our 2 boys (my step sons) when the clock struck midnight. I think that’s a pretty good place to be to start a new year. 🙂 The next couple of months were full of traveling with the band to numerous cities including several trips to Chicago, Nashville and St. Louis.  We actually bought a TOUR BUS and a travel trailer and sold or donated most of our worldly possessions so that we could have a more simple life and flexibility to travel and for my husband to pursue his music career. I mainly  helped him with booking and capturing the concerts on video…as well as being his biggest fan.  It was an exciting life.  We moved into our home on wheels shortly after my 41st birthday in March. We even took a vacation to Puerto Rico.  It was definitely a fun and exciting time. But our living situation wasn’t exactly a well thought out plan to say the least. And that was when the wheels began to fall off the bus (so to speak) that was holding our marriage together. My husband left me on July 1st just 2 weeks after our 1st wedding anniversary. My two amazingly wonderful and talented step sons as well as my husband who I was supposed to grow old with were suddenly gone from my life.  My world came crashing down in an instant.

I’ve spent the second half of this year healing, reflecting, and learning to love myself again. I was in turmoil for a couple of months while my husband was living his life. It didn’t seem fair. But after 6 months I have accepted things for what they are…a crazy beautiful chapter in the book of my life has come to an end. It’s been a journey for sure. My faith in God and support from my best friends has carried me through.  I’m more positive now than I’ve ever been in my entire life. It’s an amazing thing . I’m working out and eating better. I’ve recently started a new job at a great company that is only 1.5 miles from my house. I’ve reconnected with my best friend from childhood after 20 years apart which has been a complete blessing. I’ve built other amazing friendships as well. I’ve started this blog as a means to express myself. I continued to use my Twitter account…not to promote a band anymore but as an outlet for positivity and inspiring others. I’ve entered writing contests and have been published. I spent two weeks in Japan with my soul sister in August and that is when I started to get my “mojo” back. I realized my life was NOT over when I was on that trip.  I did a lot of things alone during my healing process. I traveled to a couple of concerts to see my favorite artists including Dave Matthews Band and Jack Johnson.  I went on hikes and day trips and just enjoyed being in nature.  I went to the zoo several times because I love animals…they bring me joy and peace. My two cats and I moved in with an awesome roommate (who has 6 dogs and 2 cats!) and she also fosters homeless and pregnant dogs for the humane society.  It has been such a fun experience living here and I appreciate her for the good work she does. I’ve spent more quality time with my dad than ever. Ive joined an awesome church that I look forward to going to every Sunday.

My list goes on and on. And I won’t stop. 2014 is going to be an amazing year! I can feel it in my bones. I’ve had people who supposedly loved me totally block me out of their lives and it proves who’s fake and who’s real and I’m glad to have learned those things!!! True colors definitely shine through when things get real and you really do learn who cares when you’re facing difficult times.  But more importantly, I have learned so much about myself this year. I have learned to let go of insecurities and I have learned to love myself again.  Out of the darkness comes light, always. You’ve just got to believe in yourself and keep moving forward. Never give up!  I’m very blessed and I’m taking nothing for granted anymore. Life’s short but it’s beautiful and I plan to enjoy the second half to it’s fullest. I hope you all enjoy the journey with me.  If you are reading this I thank you for your support…and I wish you much happiness in 2014.  Have a blessed and Happy New Year!

Please watch my video below and follow my journey.

I AM ALIVE!  2013

(you might have to copy and paste the link to the video, thanks!)