“Not all those who wander are lost.” JRR Tolkien
I remember sitting in the funeral home when my mom passed away in 2003 like it was yesterday. It is an odd thing when someone close to you dies. Time seems to stand still for a few days. You don’t follow your normal daily routine. You don’t go to work. You don’t sleep. You might eat but it is weird food at odd times. You see and talk to people you haven’t seen or talked to in years. Most of the encounters are brief. You probably do not remember details about the conversations but you remember the faces. You might remember the homemade lasagnge someone dropped off. You might remember a special bouquet of flowers that appeared on the kitchen table. You force yourself to smile. Then you laugh loudly at inappropriate times about inappropriate things considering the circumstances. You wonder if you are going insane. Is this normal behavior? You feel extremely alone although there are 20 people in the same room with you at any given moment talking and eating and laughing and planning. It is a confusing, sad, emotionally blurred episode of This Is Your Life. And then a week or so later everyone is gone home and you are left alone with your grief wondering what to do next.
I am a person who craves change. I bore easily…always have. It is part of my adventurous free sprited nature. I was made to wander and experience new places and new things. But. When the change actually comes I do not adjust easily at first. I actually seize up and basically freak out a little. Sometimes a lot. It feels sort of like walking inside a maze. Imagine you are going along finding your way and suddenly you come to a dead end. There is nowhere else to go as far as you can see. You bang your head against the wall to try and break through it and the only thing you get is a headache. That path says “Road Closed.”
It is time to make a choice. You can sit there staring at the wall or you can decide to find a new way out.
When my mom died I was stuck for a long time. I would say for a good year to be honest. I began dating my first husband one month before she passed away and I remember talking to him about her all the time…even after we got married the following year. It was like God sent him into my life when He did so I would have a new path to focus on. Not a path to replace my mom, but path I had never walked down before as a means to keep me in more positive spirits. A path to help me think about things I hadn’t thought about before instead of dwelling on my loss. It did help.
I had a big change happen last week. It wasn’t a loss. God answered a prayer I had been praying for over two years. But instead of feeling relief, I seized up. I began hitting my head on that wall in the maze. It is actually a positive change in my life but it left me feeling a bit lost and confused about how and what to do next. I should be celebrating but instead I am feeling afraid, alone, worried, anxious and depressed. I keep thinking “What is wrong with me? I should be HAPPY right now!”
The voices in my head have taken control in both negative AND positive situations in my life. I begin to doubt everything. I don’t trust myself to make a good next decision. I listen to the outside world and in an attempt to look perfect to it and not make another mistake, I sit idle running out of gas. My negative voices are drowning me on the inside.
Growing weary of banging my head against that wall I ask, “God, where do I go from here?”
His answer? I must look for Him in everything! He is there guiding my every next step. I must make the CHOICE to trust Him and follow His lead. When He takes something away He always gives something else back in return. It is a delicate balance. It is all about His plan and His timing. Seek God with abandon in all that you do wherever you go. He is in that maze with you making the journey with you. You are NOT alone with your inner voices. Tell them to hush for a minute so you can ask for directions from the only one who knows the way.
Listen for the voice of truth.
Stacey ~ iamalive
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