I’ve been just going through the motions lately. Not only have I been skipping church, but when I do go I wonder why I am there. The message hasn’t been speaking to me for a good while. My life feels out of control regardless if I go to church or not. I am there…but I am not really THERE.
A couple of years ago I used to have what I call “God moments” quite frequently. Basically, I felt the Holy
Spirit on nearly a daily basis. Today, I don’t even remember what that feels like. I pray for a song to move me the way it used to. I pray for God to speak to me through the pastor on Sunday. I pray for a friend to read my mind and say just the right thing. I pray for a change. And mainly I just pray to feel again. I haven’t felt much of anything for several months now.
I have been called a victim. I have been told I am not a victim and to stop living as if I am one. And yesterday, someone told me I am a survivor. I think that sums up just about everything. It is not my fault. But then again, it is all my fault. And I have made it through all of it alive. No freaking wonder it is difficult to “feel” sometimes. I am human. I feel lost, alone, lonely, scared, unsure, angry, sad, resentful, ashamed, unhappy, and depressed a lot of the time. And I wonder if and when I will ever get my joy back.
The thing I realized today at church is that God meets us right where we are…no matter how we feel. If I am in a joyful state of mind…he shows up and gives me even more to be joyful about. If I am in a depressed state…he reminds me that things could be a lot worse and he shows me how blessed I am. He tells me to not be afraid and to just keep holding on because I WILL feel again.
“You split the sea so I could walk right through it. My fears were drowned in perfect love. You rescued me and I will stand and sing…I am a child of God.”
I had my “God moment” today as I was singing this song. I didn’t expect it to happen… but he rescued me. He just met me right where I was.
His timing is perfect, just like his love.
Stacey ~ iamalive