I have dated (and been married to) quite a few men who weren’t brave enough to truly love me. I ended a 10 year on again off again relationship with someone about 1.5 years ago. That person never once told me he loved me…over a 10 year period. That is a long time. He told me he loved “parts of me.” Every other long term relationship I have been in, including marriages, were similar. “I love you” may have been said. But actions proved otherwise.
I think when you are brave enough to love someone for who they really are you don’t walk away. You just love.
Like most single women who have social media accounts, I receive the occasional “Hey” in my inbox. Sometimes the person on the other side is someone I don’t know. Sometimes it is someone I know through other connections. Sometimes it is someone I went to grade school with. If I am feeling curious I might check out his profile. If he seems interesting my mind might start to wander.
“Would he even like me if we met in real life? Would I like him? What if it worked out and we got married someday. Would we live in the country and have three kids and a cat and a dog? Or is he more of a city guy?” (Y’all, I ain’t having any kids at this point in my life but sometimes I still imagine it).
Isn’t that crazy? But that is what we women do. We create scenarios in our heads about a future with someone we don’t even know yet. “I knew I was going to marry him the first time we met.” How many times have you heard that? Probably a lot.
Meanwhile, the guy on the other end is sitting there innocently dropping one word messages. He probably sent ten women a “hey” message that day. And the only thing on his mind is truly “hey.” He isn’t thinking about the future at all. He might not be thinking at all. (Sorry guys. 🙂 )
So, I get stressed out about all of it and I just give up again. “Hey” is just too much for me to handle. “Maybe I’m just not ready to meet anyone new yet. I am jaded and damaged. Who would want ALL of me anyway? I’ll just continue to hang out with my cat.”
But then I get lonely again. It is a vicious cycle. Wanting to wait on God. Wanting a companion right now because I want to share life with someone. Freaking out because I don’t think I am good enough. Plus I am beyond terrified of being hurt again. And then back to waiting on God.
Today I am choosing to wait. And I don’t mean I’m just sitting around waiting for the one to knock on my door. I mean living my life as I have been and learning to love myself more every single day, knowing that with or without a partner I am loved more by God than any human being will ever love me. And I have faith that He has a plan for me that does include someone who can tell me he loves all of me. Someone who might want to get to know me beyond “hey.” I might have some bad days and get depressed and lonely. But being depressed and lonely for a little while is a heck of a lot better than chasing after someone who isn’t meant for me. Someone who will only love “parts of me.”
I am waiting for a love bigger than any love I have ever expected. Someone who is going to look at me like he has been looking for me his entire life. And I want to reciprocate that love. It is not forced. It is real. I’ll get discouraged but I won’t give up waiting for this person because this person is waiting for me too. God has been whispering in my ear, “have faith.”
It is all part of His extraordinary plan that I don’t understand yet. But I have faith that I will.
Stacey ~ iamalive